If you had a friend that spoke to you the way you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow them to be your friend?
This questions really hits home to me. Almost a year ago, I was admitted to Cox North for SI and spent a week there before I seized. But, those thoughts and feelings didn’t stop, there. They continued to be a major part of my life for about a year and a half. They are still something I deal with everyday,but I am working on it.
Some daily things I tell myself, no matter how hard I try not to, are as follows:
You’re fat..
You’re ugly
No one really likes you, they just feel sorry for you
You’re annoying
ect…
I feel if a “friend” said that to me, I would agree with them, but I would probably still be their friend. I never seem to have the heart to cut people out of my life, as I don’t want to hurt them..
When answering this question I thought it best to look through some of my writings from those hard times….Here are just a few..
Please Don’t Cry
Tears are like rain
Constantly falling
Desperately calling pain
Rain caresses smooth rocks
It’s beautiful
Tears gently roll down the faces of the innocent
It’s unbelieveable
Unstoppable
Both cause pain to those unprotected
It’s a magical connection
We try to prepare ourselves
Once it comes it is too late
It just keeps falling
Slowly we drown
In water
In self pity
In pain
Forever they will fall
Only one question left
Will you be the next person it calls?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How?
How could I feel so forgotten,
when I know my mother loves me?
How could I feel so lonely,
in such a happy home?
How could I be so unhappy,
in this world full of beauty?
How could I feel so outcasted,
surrounded by so many?
How can I attempt to be me,
when I don’t know who that is?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Talk to me
My mirror talks to me
Crazy, right?
Everytime I look into it
I hear the words of my peers.
“You’re ugly, why do you try?”
“ Do us a favour and go die.”
Hey, guess what?
Your whispers? Yeah, they talk to me too.
I don’t hear your words
but I know what you say.
“ She’s weird, why does she try?”
“ She should do us a favour and go die.”
My thoughts talk to me too.
Although they speak through my tears.
Hours upon hours, I just think
“ I know they hate me.”
“ I’m stupid thinking I should try.”
“Maybe I should do them a favour and go die.”
My razor blade started talking to me
It speaks through pain
Leaving only scars as evidence
It whispers to me
“ You’re useless, don’t even try>”
“ Come with me and die.”
~~~~~~
Letter to you
I give up
Why even try?
This is the end
I’m saying goodbye
I’ve felt like this for awhile
I can’t stand this
i have reached my end
Looks like you got your wish
You say that I am hurting you
Yet you are the one spreading lies.
Like the Plague, they'll keep going
Until finally someone dies
This all traces back to you
That you cannot deny
Don’t tell me that you’re sorry
I couldn’t take another lie
There has to be a reason
for you to hate me so
That remains one secret
I guess I’ll never know
Sorry that you wasted today on this
I hope you have a better tomorrow
I wrote this to you dear
Not out of hate, but sorrow
I’m finished now
no more lies
This is my letter to you
telling you my final goodbyes
****DISCLAIMER, THIS WAS A YEAR AGO, NONE OF THESE THOUGHTS STILL APPLY*****
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